Beat Away, Little Heart

I'm exhausted, but I think this is worth sharing when my emotions are still raw.

The UTI Medicine I have been on has a list of "Seek Immediate Medical Attention" warnings, 3 of which I have been experiencing. Crazy chest burns (I actually googled symptoms of a heart attack), heat flashes, chills, blacking out, and overall weakness.

I was at the doctor's for some time while they tried to figure it out. So far, they aren't too sure but they are checking a ton of stuff including thyroid, anemia, and sugar as well as the basic labs and cultures.

Since my pregnancy is currently already at risk, the first thing they wanted to do was to check on baby. They wanted me to go straight in for an ultrasound, but I asked for the doppler first because I am very against ultrasounds at the current stage of development, let alone the entire pregnancy. Not that I wouldn't love to see my baby, but it just isn't worth the risks to me. And, of course, I was alone during the visit (Caydon was with his therapist, and Luke was no where to be seen or heard for a good while) so seeing the baby for the first time alone and under the circumstances just didn't seem right.  



They agreed to a doppler...  then I quickly regretted not agreeing to the ultrasound.

We couldn't find the heartbeat for a good while. My heart sank. I have never been so worried. So alone. So afraid... than I was for this baby. Caydon has had his share of dramatic hospital stays but I never thought his life was over; I just thought he needed intense help that I couldn't provide. Thinking that this baby could be in heaven before I got to hear it cry or giggle or coo, or before I got to feel it's deep sigh of skin-to-skin sleep on my chest, feel the bond while it guzzles my milk and looks up at me with milk drool, or smell it's sweet pure breath and honey like skin... I was just a serious wreck.  

It's one thing to parent alone. I honestly have been doubting if I am able to do it this time around. The fear of having two disabled kids that I am raising by myself is enough to seriously wonder if I am capable, even though I know how far Cay has come and the fact that I am a sped teacher so I should have more of an "I've got this" attitude. I wonder if it is fair to Caydon to give this baby attention when he still needs so much of mine. I selfishly wonder if all of my hopes and dreams that I have been working towards are over. I would be lying to say that the thought of not keeping the baby hasn't crossed my mind. I would be lying to say that it hasn't been contemplated. Cried about. Then, decided against.

The few minutes that felt like hours while we couldn't confirm this baby's heart were up there on the longest few minutes of my life. I have never felt such a deep, raw guilt. 

And then, the heart slowly came onto the doppler. The nurse looked up at my watering eyes, relaxed her concerned expression, and gave me a smile that was so deeply reassuring. My baby has a heartbeat. She or he is still alive. I don't even care what the baby is anymore; I don't care if my baby is disabled; I don't care if Luke is a complete jar of tar; I don't even care if I have to share this baby with who I consider to be a home-wrecking whore (though I, of course, do still have my preferences in all of these matters.)  

Caydon is a big brother. 

I am a mommy of two. 

My baby has a heartbeat. 

All is well in the world.

For those of you who have lost a precious life, especially later in pregnancy (though I know how hard it hurts early on, too), my deepest sympathies are with you. 

And to think I was sick of Potty Breaks...

One thing that has driven me nuts about pregnancy (both this one and my pregnancy with Caydon) was the amount of times I had to go potty during the day and at night. It's like your body is prepping you for being up with a baby, right!? SO they say...

As annoyed for them as I have been, I now wish I COULD go potty like a normal pregnant person. My symptoms started with a bladder infection as one of my first of pregnancy (which I am too familiar with as a teacher and mommy), but it progressed to the point where I could barely stand and could hardly pee. I think I had a semi-permanent ring around my butt from trying to go pee so many times... probably every 5-15 minutes, with no luck. My bladder continued to grow full and the pain increased.  

Under the advice of my amazing midwife, I went in with Cay last night to get some meds. 

Hopefully the only time this baby will see mainstream medicine throughout this pregnancy:

The bladder infection obviously got worse, and it turned into a full-blown UTI. Now I am a step away from a Kidney Infection, as well as a catheter and hospitalization. Because, you know, I am A- trying to avoid all things mainstream medical this pregnancy and B- don't have maternity insurance (which should be fine considering A, but this new issue is a little bit of a curve ball. Apparently baby girl likes softball? Or, as Luke and Cay would say, baby boy likes baseball!?)  

Apparently, the point of the infection that I am at now is a threat to the pregnancy. Scary stuff. I am on a "Safety B Level" medicine that makes me feel even more like dirt and is "possibly safe" for the baby. I don't like that, one bit. I am avoiding ultrasounds and all sorts of testing, as well as planning a very natural home birth, all in hopes of keeping this baby safe and healthy, and now I have to take meds in order to fight this infection. Boo. 

"Listening" to the baby aka mommy's gurgling tummy.

The only positive right now is the incredible attention Cay is showering me with (Luke no-showed it though he did grocery shop for me this evening at his own will... showed up with 6+ bags of food and cases of gatorade. Maybe his love language for this baby is in food!?), as well as the fact that I feel like I have a tap dancer/tiny ballerina using my bladder as the stage. We have our own medicine, called "love," growing pretty quickly around here. Someone is SO excited to have a baby and doesn't quit with the kisses, not that I mind. 

Please think positive thoughts for the baby! Grow, baby, grow. 

11 weeks

Well, I think it's fair to say that I am still adjusting to last week. I feel angry, hurt, confused, you name it.. but I have tried to fill myself up with positivity because there is no other way. I told Caydon this week, and here is the video of that! :)

I also told my parents shortly after telling him because, well, we all know that excited big brothers have big mouths. I had waited until we heard the heartbeat just incase and figured why stress them out if something were to happen. I also didn't want to ruin holidays with drama or further hurt my dad who has been struggling with a very long concussion. While I had wished I could have made it some joyous occasion (I thought about gingerbread babies, best grandparents x2 gifts, etc.) but I ended up sending them the raw videos of Caydon finding out as well as a long and direct email. The email basically told them the news, but also told them what I am going through. I asked them to not say anything if they have nothing nice to say, and my mom has respected that by silence which is hard for me because I really want her advice right now. My dad called me to ask questions. He didn't say anything positive, but didn't say anything negative either. He also wanted to remind me how he wishes I was married or, at least, getting married. I totally agree and this is so not how I wanted any of my babies to come, though I'm not sure I would want to be married to the guy Luke ended up being. The guy I thought he was and that I totally fell in love with, absolutely. I had told him I wouldn't marry him for the baby, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't marry him for us. But what a mess love can make.

I also announced to a bunch of friends who didn't know, as I had only told a few of my closest confidants. I was blown away at the love and support from friends and quickly reminded myself not to let others' judgements, close-mindedness (new word!) or negativity sway my mood. I am having this baby, and Caydon is going to be a big brother (!!!) so why let opinions that don't matter effect me?!

Anyway, cat baby is out of the bag... here are the stats.

baby/pregnancy stats:

How far along?  11 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: lost a pound after I had gained 2. My pregnant body isn't digging the thousands of emotions from this week.

Maternity clothes? Loving my new clothes, but definitely needing more!
Stretch marks? nope.
Sleep: Like WAY more than I should, but I am also trying to just get away from negativity.

Labor Signs: no way!
Belly Button in or out? in, but shrinking

Best moment this week: telling Caydon!!!

Miss Anything? the dream of being a family for all 3 kids, but I am working on getting over it.

Movement: not yet

Symptoms: oh, my hormones! It's one thing to handle stress and drama outside of pregnancy, but then you add in the hormones PLUS emotions... I haven't been the nicest, most optimistic person lately, to say the least. 
Food cravings: In-N-Out Cheeseburgers and animal fries:

(Check out the seatbelt belly!!)

and, of course, anything and everything sweet.

Anything making you queasy or sick:  everything 

Anything make you emotional?: One minute I'm happy because Caydon's excitement is contagious, the next I want my mommy & daddy, another a friend is sweetly supportive and makes me smile, and THEN the next I start totally losing it in thoughts about Luke and his new girlfriend. Nope, I'm not emotional at all! Hah!

Bump Alert: I think it's fair to say I'm not just getting fat :)
Gender prediction: girl vibes!
Happy or Moody most of the time: trying to hide emotions in happiness, but I'm not always too successful
Pregnancy Dreams: lots of nightmares still, which keeps me at hardly sleeping

Fearing: shared custody (.) <--period

finances (.)

Caydon seeing this baby have an involved dad (.)

Anticipating: Caydon becoming a big brother

10 Weeks

This week was, by far, the hardest week I have had in a long time. Please excuse my late post but I just don't even know what to do anymore. I will update more as I process this, but for now let's just say that I woke up to a 2 page letter from Luke as to why he isn't "ready" for our relationship. My best friend stabbed me in the back by crossing girl code (how do people not know girl code anymore!?) and, well, it was just a crappy 12 hour time period to say the least that I am still trying to adjust mentally to. 

This is the only bump pic I took this week:

baby/pregnancy stats:

How far along?  10 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: 1 lb and I fought hard for it! I have been forcing myself to eat lately. I am the girl who doesn't eat when stressed out... I just want to live at the gym or sleep all day.

Maternity clothes? I went shopping with a girlfriend (who is a champ for dealing with me in the store.. thanks, Laurie!) and spent more than I should have at Motherhood Maternity. I got a few outfits that will last me a few days, but I am starting to remember how hard it is to find something to wear once I have exhausted those options. I am thrilled that they have a few outfits that are MUCH cuter than the selection they had when I was pregnant with Caydon. I also bought a snoogle. Let me tell you, that thing is so totally worth the money. Absolutely more bang for my buck.
Stretch marks? nope! I bought a new cream that smells like perfume and makes me feel all feminine. I will have to post about it soon!
Sleep: Like WAY more than I should, but I am also trying to just get away from negativity.

Labor Signs: no way!
Belly Button in or out? in but shrinking

Best moment this week: hmmm... can I come back to this? Maybe my students and Caydon being sweet to me? Yeah, that's probably the only good thing that has happened this week.

Miss Anything? the feeling that everything would be all right. Feeling mutual love from Luke. Having a best friend to talk to. Yeah, def missing those right now.

Movement: not yet

Symptoms: my nausea has gotten a lot worse, but I think I kick started a vicious cycle because I am not eating nearly as much as I was. Being on the empty stomach and sleeping a lot has made me super nauseated. I am making myself eat via a timer now.
Food cravings: cheeseburgers. Strawberry milk.
Anything making you queasy or sick:  everything, especially my thoughts.

Anything make you emotional?: I think this goes without saying!
Bump Alert: yep.
Gender prediction: girl vibes!
Happy or Moody most of the time: it's been a hard week, but I WILL make happiness for this baby and Cay as if my life depends on it!
Pregnancy Dreams: lots of nightmares about shared custody.

Fearing: doing this alone. The "other woman" who I consider to be a home wrecker meeting my baby. My baby not latching because she doesn't get enough time with me thanks to shared custody.

Anticipating: telling Caydon. I am holding on to his excitement like there is nothing else that matters... and knowing that it is coming is what is keeping me going these days.

Week 9

It's been a pretty easy week of getting back to work. We had a midwife visit on the 9th and I fell in love with her. She is AMAZING and we were hugging by the time I left. I also think Luke is getting more "on board" with the thought of a home birth. At first he had so many questions, but now he seems excited about it. Yay! I know it sounds sappy, but I just think it is important to point out how great Luke has been with all of this. I almost feel like I am leaning on him too much, but he is such a rock of strength for me even though we are both nervous with so many unanswered questions. I am a lucky girl getting "knocked up" again by my best friend and someone I truly love. If I HAD to get pregnant right now with so much uncertainty, there isn't anyone else I would rather it be with.

Anyway, here is the bump. I am trying to get creative with my work clothes!!

baby/pregnancy stats:

How far along?  9 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: back to my pre-pregnancy weight (Can't I just stay here?!)

Maternity clothes? a few pieces
Stretch marks? nope
Sleep: a ton. I am SO sleepy

Labor Signs: no way!
Belly Button in or out? In

Best moment this week: Just enjoying spending time with the Mr. and Caydon. Luke is going out of his way to be sweet and to bond with Cay, and I am definitely noticing his effort! We also met Mary, our midwife. I was planning on meeting a ton of people but I love her too much to look around. Why search when you already know?!

Miss Anything? sushi! I am having killer cravings for it

Movement: Not yet

Symptoms: fatigue, nausea, aversions, cravings
Food cravings: sushi and unhealthy food. Baby doesn't like anything that's good for her, so it seems!
Anything making you queasy or sick:  certain smells when I walked into the cafeteria for lunch. 

Anything make you emotional?: everything.
Bump Alert: I think it's officially starting to happen...
Gender prediction: Girl vibes! STILL!
Happy or Moody most of the time: happy
Pregnancy Dreams: weird dreams but nothing that sticks out

Fearing: home birth. It's actually happening!

 Anticipating: meeting this baby.

Christmas Break

One of the biggest perks about teaching... the breaks. I love being able to mentor my teens and help them make their future a brighter one, but I would be completely lying to say that I don't love the ability to spend time with my boy when breaks roll around. It makes the lack of money/respect for the profession seem worth it.

This break, we also took care of Eva, Luke's daughter. I can't get enough of these two (Cay & Eva) together. They are such great kids solo, but together they are like the Wonder Pets... one helk of a cute team. They also have bundles of creativity, compassion, and energy, which makes me both even more exhausted but also keeps me totally entertained. I also hid the baby from them, which means I did my darndest to hide the fatigue and nausea, as well. Eva is also going to be a big sister via her mom's baby, and she has been super excited about that so she has kind of unknowingly created this positive energy/excitement about the other sibling she will have.

Here is a photo explosion of our break :)

Before Eva came..

 Boat Light Parade @ Val Vista Lakes (friend's party)

 Dinosaur movie. Roar!

And then Eva came into town...

Eva has such a SWEET personality!

 (someone ate it at the park!)

Caydon: "Act scared from the bugs!"  Eva: "Ok, now act happy because we're having fun!"

Our trip to the Phoenix Zoo

Dancing in leaves :)

Phoenix Zoo Lights with the gang

8 Weeks; a few days in Colorado!

This post is a tad late because I went to Ignacio, Colorado with Luke to meet his family. They are amazing people. Conservative like my family and ranchers who have the most beautiful land. I was seriously blown away with how beautiful Ignacio and Durango is. I knew I loved Colorado from when I have been there previously, but getting into the more rural aspect of it was quite a treat. His family is so sweet. His mom and I talked for a long time (we talked a bunch about my grandpa, who just passed this spring. It was nice to have someone who listened to me reminisce...) and his dad was a sweet cowboy whose work ethic I think every person should have. America definitely wouldn't have the problems we do today if everyone took notes from him. His sister in law could easily be a close friend of mine, and his brother was funny and genuine. I seriously don't know what better qualities you could ask for in people that are linked to the magical little alien baby that you are carrying inside of you. The trip actually helped ease my transition to it all, and I loved seeing Luke in his element. He gets so excited about ranching and horses... something I am honestly not used to, but how could I not jump into it when he is so pumped on it!? It actually was fun, not to mention BEAUTIFUL, herding and driving the sheep. My only regret is that I couldn't go on a horse ride, which is something I have been looking for a way to do for some time now. Perfect opportunity, but not allowed thanks to the baby. Next time, for sure!  Here are some pics:

 super excited about the snow

 Luke walking on his parent's frozen lake

 his parent's lake

 where we herded sheep to drive them down the road

 Can my driveway look like this?! Please?!

 Eva and Kasey sledding. Wish I had Cay here but the drive was 11 hours Sunday which just seems cruel to an energetic boy!

 racing in heavy snow :)

 what felt like deja-vu was actually the fact that I had been here as a little girl for part of a family reunion. Crazy!

Love this guy:

and our baby:

baby/pregnancy stats:

How far along?  8 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: pre-pregnancy weight

Maternity clothes? a few pieces.
Stretch marks? nope
Sleep: 8 hours plus a ton in the car

Labor Signs: no way!
Belly Button in or out? In

Best moment this week: Meeting Luke's family. I fall harder for my best friend on the daily. I am feeling so blessed that if this is the situation we are in, at least our life is falling into place. We just have to continue to not be fear based! :)

Miss Anything? horseback riding this week

Movement: Not yet

Symptoms: some nausea that made me seem like I didn't like his mom's amazing food. Shame. She is a great cook! 
Food cravings: anything sweet
Anything making you queasy or sick:  well, being on a ranch had some moments that were hard in this category with my super weak stomach. We'll just leave it there! I know normally I could handle it, so it's not the ranch, it's me :)

Anything make you emotional?: thinking about how someday we could all be spending Christmas at the ranch... sappy girl right here.
Bump Alert: Maaaaybe?
Gender prediction: Girl vibes!
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happily falling harder in love. :)
Pregnancy Dreams: Reassuring dreams of the future.

Fearing: telling our families. I really hope they don't hate me once they know.

 Anticipating: seeing how beautiful, inside and out, this baby will be. Luke has amazing genes!