I needed this tonight... As I lie in bed hoping for sleep and a moment without pressure, thankful for my one and only little man wanting to snuggle up to me to bring me comfort and peace. It's times like these that I am celebrating what I do have, but long for what should be. Where I can't stop hoping the current contraction is closer and longer than the last, but where I also dream of being able to just keep carrying her, pain or not, where she is safe from the drama and heartache that is lurking around the corner. Where I can't wait to see her face, count her fingers and toes, breathe her in... but secretly hope she, too, looks just like me so my heart doesn't break a little bit each time her face reminds me of what could have been. Where I am thankful for my son for wanting... trying... to be the man of the house, but also can't help but feel resentful and guilty, as it's not his job to grow up so quickly to fill. It's hard to find a balance of thankfulness when your heart is so heavy for your children that it could explode. Where you beg for more time with one dad and cry for protection from another, fully aware of the inconsistency. Where your emotions are so raw, so pure, so real... but you still hope pregnancy can explain them and they will soon be a distant thought. Where you are so thankful for your blessings and so disappointed with who you have to share them with. I can't express how ready I am to meet my little girl, knowing she will bring as much joy to life as my son, but how much my heart breaks at the thought of the pain she will sooner than later experience. Single parenthood isn't a small feat. My birthing pool is ready to be pumped, all of our candles, playlist, sterilized tools, birthing kit.. waiting to be used. Our fridge, once again, stocked full of healthy food, Cayd's big brother gifts wrapped and his sister's cake asking to be baked and frosted...
I'm glad someone thought of the name for this time period. I'm glad I'm not just an unexplained bottle of emotion waiting to burst. I need to reserve this energy for pushing, but it's so hard when you don't know when the reserve will be opened. Where all of my worries and fears will be thin, and the thickness of this world will efface away. Where my life, along with my body, will reopen to a whole new life as a mommy of two. I'm so ready for more physical pain to justify the current, and am so ready to meet my anticipated surprise.
I'm so ready to be past this state of in-between.
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